


Feelings Talk

by KaSaPe



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Autistic Ina Leifsdottir (Voltron), Developing Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 21:38:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15916755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaSaPe/pseuds/KaSaPe
Summary: Ina struggles a lot with understanding emotions, both hers and those of other people - but luckily, James is always there to help her out.Or: five times Ina was unsure about emotions and one time she wasn't





	Feelings Talk

**Author's Note:**

> This is not my usual klance. I have no regrets. I watched s7 and immediately saw Ina as autistic - then I watched it again and realized that her and James were in the same class before the Galaxy Garrison, that he always splits the team into Rizavi & Kinkade and Ina & him, that Ina stands next to him more often than not, that he keeps using her savant abilities in battle...... 
> 
> Listen. _Listen._ I love them. They are so good. They deserve the world;;
> 
> (unedited so far, I'll come back to it soon)

When Ina was ten, she had a conversation with a therapist that changed her approach to life.

“You are autistic. Do you understand what that means?”

“I’m different,” Ina had answered. She knew that. Had always known that. Her classmates were loud and said stupid things. They laughed about things that weren’t funny. They said she was mean for not being sad after Nancy’s cat had died - she hadn’t even known it, why did that make her mean - and they called her weird for refusing to wear the P.E. uniform their school provided. It felt bad and made her skin itch uncomfortably.

The therapist nodded. “You are different. But you are not a bad person because of that.”

“No,” Ina agreed. Her mom told her that a lot. “I just think different.”

“Exactly. Being autistic means a lot of things - it means you process things differently. There are things that bother you that others find completely normal. There are things that bother others but you think of as nothing unusual. And it means that there will be things you won’t be able to understand without a little help.”

Ina thought back to ‘criss-cross applesauce’. She still wasn’t entirely sure she understood why people didn’t just say ‘cross their legs’.

“I know.”

“Every autistic person is different. So if it’s alright with you, I’m going to ask you a bunch of questions now to figure out how to help you the best.”

“Help me with what?”

“With whatever you need help with because of your condition.”

There were a lot of things Ina needed help with. Talking to people, opening water bottles, writing prettily, hugging people she didn’t know. What exactly was part of her ‘condition’?

The therapist would probably figure it out. All she had to do was answer questions and then, hopefully, some things would get easier for her.

“Okay,” Ina said, staring right at the woman in front of her.

The woman smiled. “Alright. Can you tell me what you are feeling right now?”

That was unexpected. Ina blinked and tried to figure out what she was feeling. “Nothing in particular.”

“No? Are you feeling happy? Relaxed? Does it exhaust you to think about your feelings? Are you a little tired, perhaps, from getting up early?”

So many questions. Ina lowered her gaze and tried to figure out how to answer them. It was difficult, she didn’t know.

She didn’t know.

“I’m not tired,” she said. That much, she was sure of.

The therapist nodded encouragingly. “Good! That’s nice. So what do you feel?”

“...nothing.”

Silence surrounded them and Ina wondered if it was a good or bad silence. Her dad had told her that there was such a thing as ‘bad silences’, and that’s part of the reason why everyone talked so much. Some people thought silence felt bad and felt the need to fill it. Ina didn’t really understand it, silence was good, but she tried to judge people less for talking all the time.

“Alright. Okay. Can you describe what happiness feels like for you?”

Ina stared harder at the ground. She didn’t like these questions. _She couldn’t answer them_.

“Happy.”

“Yes, but what does that mean? Do you get giddy? Does your heart beat faster? Do you smile or laugh a lot? Do you feel lighter and like your muscles relax with it?”

Did she?

She didn’t know. Happiness made her feel happy. “Happiness is good,” she answered uncertainly.

Was that okay? Did her therapist expect more? She didn’t know more. It felt as if she had failed an unspoken test - again. Conversations left her feeling like that more often than not but she didn’t know how to change it.

Another short silence enveloped them, then the woman put her clipboard aside.

“The way I see it, you are struggling to communicate or even understand your own feelings. Is that correct?”

“Maybe?” Ina could tell when she was upset or when she was happy. At least she had thought so until the woman had asked her all these questions.

“Most people are able to name at least one emotion they are feeling at any given moment,” the therapist said. “What do you think about that?”

Ina couldn’t help the way her eyes widened. “Every moment?!”

“Every moment.”

“That is a lot of feelings.”

Chuckling, the woman leaned back a little. “Yeah, that is a lot of feelings. Do you think you have less than that?”

“Maybe.” Ina reconsidered. “Definitely.” She couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to feel something every single moment of her life. She had feelings, a lot of them, but that many…?

“Look. Other people might not understand that. There is nothing wrong with it, nothing at all - your brain just works differently. But sometimes you might have to sit down and explain this to them. That no, you are not thinking less of them for crying, you just don’t feel sad yourself and don’t know how to help them. That you have feelings, you might just express them differently.”

“I don’t like hugs,” Ina said immediately. There was a girl in her class that liked to hug everyone goodbye, even her, and Ina hated it. People that she wasn’t close with in her personal space were terrible. It just didn’t feel good. It left her feeling like she had to busy herself with something else until every last impression of the contact had faded away.

Ina didn’t know how to explain that either though. She didn’t mind hugging her parents. It was just other people.

“Yes! It’s exactly like that. Just because you don’t want to hug someone, it doesn’t mean you don’t like them, right?”

“Right.”

Her therapist smiled. “If you tell them, they should understand. Talking about your differences might not be easy, but it _is_ the fastest solution to your problems with other people.”

Ina didn’t like talking.

Sighing, she accepted her fate and filed the information away for later use.

 

* * *

 

Ina stared at the assignment, then back at her text. She disliked English classes and _this_ was why.

Raising her head, she looked through the class. No one else seemed to have problems with their assignment. Of course. They weren’t like her. They could read a text and understand the stuff that was just out of reach for her.

Slowly, she raised her hand. It took a while for her teacher to notice her, but once he did, he immediately smiled at her.

“Yes, Ina?”

“I can’t answer this. I don’t understand it.”

The smile never wavered. “Don’t be discouraged just because it isn’t immediately obvious for you. I’m sure you can find something.”

Could she? Ina lowered her gaze and stared at the poem again. No one described any feelings. There was a description of a city - a very weird city with jellyfish and exploding streets - but that was it.

Her jaw tightened as she looked back up at her teacher. Mr. Jones had already turned back towards his book, ignoring her.

She raised her hand again.

It took another five minutes and thirty-two seconds for him to look up and take note of her.

“Yes, Ina?”

“I still can’t answer the question.”

Something in her teacher’s face changed, but he was still smiling, so it couldn’t be all that bad. “Look again. Think about the tone certain words carry with themselves.”

The tone. Ina had never understood that. There were a few things she had learned - cold was bad, blue was cold, but blue wasn’t bad, blue was spiritual and freeing - but none of them had to do with jellyfish. Were jellyfish good or bad?

“I still don’t understand,” Ina answered truthfully.

Before her teacher could say another word, the hand of the boy next to her shot in the air. “I can help her!”

Ina blinked and turned her head towards James. She had talked to him two times; once on the first day, when he had made the rounds and introduced himself to everyone, and once after math class, where they had been opponents in a mental math game and she had won every single exercise. He had been amazed by how fast she had calculated things and asked her how she had done it.

She hadn’t known how to answer except for “I solved it”. For some reason, he had been delighted by that answer and congratulated her.

It had been nice. Definitely one of the more positive interactions in her new class.

Mr. Jones nodded towards James and picked his book up again. “Yes, that’s a good idea. You can help each other out, if you are struggling.”

Immediately, the entire class started murmuring to each other. Ina ignored it and turned towards James instead, who was grinning broadly.

“Hey again! So, what do you need help with?”

The question was very broad, but Ina assumed that he was referring to the assignment. “The author isn’t describing any feelings, I don’t understand how we should be able to tell what he was thinking while he wrote this.”

James nodded slowly and pursed his lips. “Don’t you get a certain impression about the city while you read this?”

“It’s a weird city,” Ina said. “I don’t understand why there are jellyfish on the street.”

“Why there are- no! It’s a metaphor! Those are oil leaks from the cars, they just shimmer in colors similar to jellyfish.”

“Oil leaks.” Ina checked the publication date and found that it made sense. Back then, cars probably had frequent oil leaks.

“Or well, I am reasonably sure that the guy is referring to oil leaks, I can’t tell with 100% certainty. Poems are difficult to understand sometimes, even if they sound beautiful.”

“You like them even though you don’t understand them?”

“I don’t have to understand everything to like it,” James grinned. His unevenly cut hair fell into his eyes, but he didn’t seem to care enough to push it away again. “I mean, look, I still don’t understand how you’re so good at math but I think it’s really cool!”

Blinking slowly, Ina tried to process that. When she liked something, she immediately tried to find out more about it - she had read nearly every scientific article she could find about deep space travel. She didn’t understand it all but what she didn’t understand she could research, too, so her knowledge about everything surrounding math and space grew quickly.

Never had she thought that people could just like things and leave them be. How could they just _not_ want to know more?

“A while ago my therapist told me to tell other people when I feel differently. So I am telling you now: I don’t understand you.”

James raised his eyebrows at her. “Is that a bad thing?”

Ina considered that for a while. Was it bad that she didn’t understand her classmate? No, not really. He didn’t seem angry at her and he was willing to explain things she didn’t understand.

“No. No, it’s not.”

James’ answering grin was bigger than she had expected. “Awesome! See? We might get along still. I can help you with interpreting poems and you can help me in math.”

“You don’t need help in math though. Your grades are excellent.”

Shrugging, James picked up a pencil and hovered it over Ina’s assignment paper. “I don’t really need help right now, but I’m sure things are gonna get more difficult later. And if you help me, I could solve the exercises even faster. We would make a good team. Hey, is it okay if I write on your paper?”

Ina didn’t hesitate to nudge the paper in his direction. As long as he could help her make sense of this poem, she was happy with anything.

“Alright, I’ll just-” James underlined the word ‘jellyfish’ and added ‘oil leaks’ at the side. His handwriting was neater than hers. “Let’s go through this poem and figure it out together. Are you in?”

A smile slowly grew on Ina’s face as she watched James’ hopeful expression. He really wanted to work with her.

“Yes.”

 

* * *

 

Something had been bothering Ina for six days now. To be exact, six days and three hours. She had heard James calling Theo his friend before school and now she was confused - what about her and James? Were they friends? Did Ina want to be friends?

She didn’t know. Last time she had had a friend, she had been in kindergarten. It’s not that she didn’t want friends or didn’t get along with anyone, she just didn’t know the difference between ‘acquaintance she talked to frequently’ and ‘friend’. Shouldn’t she want to hug her friends? She didn’t really want to hug James. She just liked talking to him.

Was that enough?

Ina must have been staring at him pretty hard because James turned around from his seat in the front row and raised one eyebrow at her. Unfortunately, she couldn’t raise an eyebrow back, so she just kept staring. After a while, James shrugged and turned back to the front.

Only to look back at her a minute later.

Ina blinked when he waved and hesitantly waved back. What was he doing? He seemed expectant, somehow, but didn’t do anything else.

This continued over the course of the lesson. The time intervals in which James looked over varied between one to six minutes, but he always turned back around. It was as if he just couldn’t resist, as if he was trying to tell her something… if he was, Ina didn’t get it.

The end of the lesson found James at her table, frowning but posture relaxed. “Hey, Ina. Are you alright?”

“I am fine.” Why wouldn’t she be? She was in class, what was supposed to hurt her here?

“You kept staring at me all throughout the lesson. Are you sure you’re good?”

Oh.

_Oh_.

“I- um. Yes, I’m fine.” A little flustered, Ina busied herself with shoving all her stuff into her backpack. James didn’t leave, he seemed to wait for her to finish.

Once she looked up, he smiled at her. “Alright, if you say so. You wanna walk with me to our next lesson?”

“Okay.”

Ina stood and slung her backpack over her shoulders before moving her chair closer to the table. James gave her an approving nod and headed towards his table, collecting the pens he had left all over his notes. He had packed around half of them when another boy bumped into his table.

“Oops.”

“Watch where you’re going, dude!”

The boy - Keith - just scoffed and moved on. James glared after him, stuffing his pens inside his pencil case with renewed vigor.

“I swear, he’s out to get me. I don’t know what his deal is. Is he not interested in school? Does he want to rob stores instead?”

“Robbing stores is illegal,” Ina said.

“Not that he would care. Keith’s involved in a lot of shady stuff. I’ve seen him skipping class at least twice.”

This time, Ina stayed silent and observed him. James and Keith talked often, but their conversations didn’t exactly seem nice.

“Are you guys friends?” she asked finally. Maybe this would help her with figuring out where she and James stood.

James turned to give her a wide-eyed look. “Us? _Friends?!_ Absolutely not! I cannot stand him! He and his ‘too cool for school’-attitude are the worst.”

“...and yet you keep talking to him.”

“Talking to him,” James repeated, violently zipping his backpack shut. “More like talking  _at_ him. He doesn’t care to listen to what I have to say.”

Did he? Ina had thought that Keith listened to him, if only to purposefully do the exact opposite of what he said. But she might have been wrong about that, understanding people had never been her strong suit.

Together, James and Ina made their way towards the door. James’ steps were heavier than usual, so he was probably still a little grumpy about his encounter with Keith. Ina mentally noted that Keith wasn’t a good conversation topic and accepted the door that Luis held open for them.

“But moving away from the dumb stuff,” James said, rolling his shoulders. “Why do you care about Keith anyway?”

“I don’t,” Ina answered, perhaps a little too honest. She hesitated, then tucked on: “I’m trying to figure out when to call someone a friend.”

“Oh! You’ve made a new friend?” There was a change in James’ tone and Ina turned her head to look at him. He was grinning at her, apparently happy to hear that.

“I’m… not sure,” she said slowly. James’ grin fell and he raised an eyebrow instead.

“How can you not be sure if someone is your friend? Do you not get along or something?”

“I think we do. But is ‘getting along’ everything that makes out a friend?” It took Ina two steps to realize that James was no longer at her side. Frowning, she turned to look for him. James stood in the middle of the hallway, hands closed around the straps of his backpack, with his bottom lip jutted out a little.

Was he angry? Was that an angry pose? Had she said something wrong?

“Nah, I think there’s a little more to friendship than that,” James said finally. “But you just made me realize that I can’t really define it either. Every friendship is different. Some friends are better to have fun with, some are better to talk to. Generally, they are just people you like to spend time with and that like spending time with you in return.”

People you like spending time with.

Did she like to spend time with James? Ina didn’t mind it, she supposed. Which was already a lot more than she could say about the majority of her class. She had accepted his offer to walk to their next class together when she could have spent that time by herself.

So, yes, she liked spending time with James. Did James like to spend time with her?

The easiest way to figure that out was probably to just ask him.

_‘Talking about your differences might not be easy, but it is the fastest solution to your problems with other people.’_

“Are we friends?”

Once again, James stopped in the middle of the hallway. This time, Ina had half expected it.

“You don’t think we are friends?!” James asked, his voice weirdly high. Ina blinked.

“I don’t know. It’s why I’m asking.”

“I thought we were friends since, like, English class! You know, the one with the poem!”

Now it was Ina’s turn to stare at him in shock. “That long already?”

“Yes! Didn’t you think so?!”

“Not really.”

Silence enveloped them until James raised his eyebrows and blew air out. “Okay. Okay. Wow. Way to be direct.”

“Isn’t direct good?” Ina asked. She liked direct. Direct meant that she couldn’t misunderstand things. It meant that there was no subtext she had to guess, no intentions she could interpret wrong.

James shrugged and started walking again. “It’s - I mean, it’s not bad? It’s just… I’m not used to it. But I guess it makes things easier if you know what you’re at, huh?”

“It does,” she confirmed. James gave a weak laugh.

“Okay. Yeah. Just so that we’re on the same page now though - are we friends? Or would you like me to, I don’t know, keep my distance or something?”

“No, I am comfortable like this. Just no hugs.”

“I remember that. No hugs.” They had reached their science class, so Ina made her way towards her desk. James followed her into the room, trailing after her despite his desk being on the opposite side. Before she could put down her backpack, James spoke up again. “Um, again, just - just to be sure, you know - so, you’re okay with being friends?”

Ina thought about it. _Really_ thought about it.

“Yes,” she said.

 

* * *

 

Ina stared at James. James stared at the ceiling, ignoring her. He was still in his jeans, spread out over his bed, despite Ina knowing that he hated even just potentially getting it dirty. Sweatpants before bed, those were his rules. Rules that he himself was breaking now.

Ina frowned and pulled at a loose thread of her shirt. “Are you alright?”

“Mfm.”

She couldn’t tell if it was supposed to be a positive or negative response. Another question. “Are you upset?”

“Mfm.”

It sounded slightly different than the first one, but she still couldn’t tell if it was supposed to be a confirmation or not. Normally, he would respond to her in a way she could understand clearly - she had known him for nearly two years now, he knew that she needed verbal responses. Something was different today.

Was he angry with her? No, that couldn’t be it. There had been no complaints today. In fact, there hadn’t been much of anything since they had taken the entry tests to the Galaxy Garrison.

Maybe that was a hint. James usually at least checked in with her after exams, but this time he hadn’t said anything. If he was angry, it must have been because of the test.

No, not angry. Angry would mean louder steps. James had pretty much dragged his feet the entire way back to his home, a stark contrast to the excited bouncing he had done this morning.

Upset then. He was upset.

Probably.

“How do people usually help others when they are upset?”

“Huh?” Her question must have been unexpected because James lifted his head to look at her. “Where did that come from?”

“You are upset,” stated Ina. James sighed and dragged a hand down his face, but he didn’t flop back down on the bed. Instead, he shuffled closer to where Ina was sitting on a chair until his feet touched the ground.

He didn’t get up to change into his sweatpants though, Ina noticed.

“It’s just - I think I messed up the entrance exam.” Ina stayed silent, unsure what he expected her to say. Three seconds passed, then James looked up, his hands clasped together tightly between his knees.

“Everything was fine when we started! We got the paper, I saw the first few problems and was confident I could solve them. But then I read through the rest of it because that’s what you’re supposed to do, right? Read through the exam before you start it so that you can plan your time accordingly. And then I reached the last problems and I just-” Letting out a broken sound, James’ head dropped down again. “There’s no way I got them right.”

What was Ina supposed to say to that? She couldn’t lie to him and tell him that he had solved them all correctly. After all, she didn’t know what he had calculated.

“What about you?” James said finally.

“I solved them,” Ina answered. It got her a groan and a head that dropped even lower than before.

“Of course. Of course you did,” he mumbled. “You probably thought they were easy, too?”

“Yes. I had to calculate more the further down I got in the test, but it wasn’t difficult.”

James groaned again and shook his head. Ina’s heart sunk. Shaking one’s head was a negative response. Had she made everything worse? How?

“Congrats. You’re definitely gonna pass.” James said, grinning weakly at her. Frowning, Ina tugged at the loose thread of her shirt again.

“You can’t know that for sure until we get the results.”

“I know you. You’ll pass. You are brilliant, they would be stupid to reject you.”

Ina thought about it. “If we are basing this on past experiences, the same could be said for you. Your grades in school were better than mine.”

James laughed and dropped his hands. “If only it were that easy. I guess everyone has their bad days. Too bad that mine fell on the date of the first part of the entrance exams.”

Was that positive? James had laughed, but the words didn’t sound positive at all.

“Are you still upset?” Ina asked carefully. James’ face was blank as he turned towards her.

“I mean, yeah? But I’ll get over it. There is still the second half of the exams tomorrow, I can still make it.”

No. Not good enough. Ina didn’t like seeing her friends suffer. “How do people usually help others when they are upset?” she repeated her question from earlier.

James gave her a long look, then he sighed and shrugged. “I don’t know. It depends on the person. It’s usually reassurances that everything is going to be fine and that you are listening. That you are gonna be there for them no matter what. And, um, hugs, sometimes. Or distract them, if they need that.”

“Do you need a distraction?”

“No. No, I’m good. I’m - it’s probably better to keep this in the back of my mind, right? To use it as motivation going forward.”

Ina considered that, then looked back at James who still hadn’t gotten up to put on his sweatpants. He was lying. He wasn’t good. But what could she do for him?

“...do you want a hug?”

James’ head snapped up as if she had told him that the room was burning. “What?”

“Do you want a hug?” she repeated. James swallowed.

“Ina, you don’t… you don’t like hugs.”

“Not particularly,” Ina agreed. “But if it helps you, I want to give you one.”

Silence enveloped the room. This time, she didn’t think that she had done something wrong - she had done exactly what other people would do, too. And she had tried to help James. James probably had to think about if he really wanted a hug or not.

“Are you sure?” James said finally.

“I am.”

James breathed out heavily and closed his eyes. “Just one, then?” he said, his voice small.

Ina smiled. “Just one.”

The moment Ina got up, James extended his arms for her. He didn’t approach her though, he left her room to change her mind. Slowly, she approached him until she stood between his legs.

Now what?

“Get up,” Ina told him. James blinked up at her, then he grinned and got to his feet.

The space between them had drastically reduced itself. Where she would have needed to extend her arm to touch his shoulder before, she now barely needed a finger. She could feel his body heat and his breathing against her forehead. It wasn’t comfortable, she could feel her skin starting to itch already.

Quickly, she wrapped her arms around him. James responded immediately and pulled her a closer until she could feel his heart beating through their shirts.

_Thump, thump, thump._

Ina focused on the beat, fascinated about how it felt against her. It was almost… calming.

The itch had resided, she noticed.

She was comfortable.

Amazement bubbled up in her as she took that new fact and tried to make sense of it. The only people that could hug her were her parents. And now James. He was important to her, he knew her, and she knew him.

He was safe.

“This is nice,” James mumbled above her head, holding her a little tighter. Ina smiled.

“Yes,” she agreed.

 

* * *

 

“Rizavi, Kinkade, you take care of the new wave. They’re approaching on your nine.”

“Roger that!”

“Leifsdottir, you’re with me. Let’s move.”

Ina pushed her controls out and followed James. There were three fighters in front of them, approaching with speeds much greater than theirs.

“Leifsdottir, what do we do?”

“Sharp evasive maneuvers. We wait until the last moment to move aside so their ships won’t be able to follow our curve.”

“And then we attack from behind. Great thinking!”

Ina didn’t dwell on the compliment. She had to time this right, if she changed course too early, the fighters could easily adapt and follow her. If she moved too late, they would collide for sure.

A stray shot from Rizavi’s and Kinkade’s enemies nearly grazed her wing and she was forced to move to the right. James shouted something in alarm, but she didn’t listen. Couldn’t listen. Her eyes were wide as she simultaneously processed the information on her radar screen and the window in front of her.

James was still on course. Rizavi was firing at two enemy ships, pushing her own to its limits. Kinkade was providing backup while evading the fire of a third ship. In front of her, two enemies had zeroed in on her position. They were firing like crazy, if she stayed on course she would get hit for sure. She had to abort.

Without further ado, Ina opened a channel to James. “Leifsdottir here. I’m going to draw their fire.”

“No, wait, are you crazy-”

“It is our best chance. Once you have eliminated your fighter, you will be behind the other two. It’s the perfect opportunity to take them down.”

This time, there was no protest. “Got it. Starting evasive maneuver now.”

Ina couldn’t check on him, she had to trust that he knew what he was doing. Which he should, Commander Iverson wouldn’t have chosen him as one of the ‘best pilots of their generation’ if he couldn’t do simple timing.

Not even five minutes later, the simulation was over. They had won. Rizavi and Kinkade at finished off their enemies at the same time as James had blasted the two ships that were following Ina to dust.

“Congratulations, cadets,” Commander Iverson’s voice boomed through their simulators. “You’re finished for today. Good job. We will analyze your video feeds in fifteen minutes.”

Ina took a moment to breathe before unbuckling her seatbelt and getting out of the pilot’s chair. Outside, Kinkade and James were already talking. Rizavi joined a few seconds later, grinning widely.

“We kicked ass out there!”

“We did,” James agreed.

Kinkade nodded. “I like this team. I finally don’t have to hold back as much.”

“God, I know what you mean! Even in my fighter pilot class barely anyone could keep up with me. This was fun.” Rizavi sighed and stretched. “Although it also made me very hungry. Think we can buy a snack before the briefing?”

“If you’re fast about it,” James answered. “Don’t be late.”

“I won’t! This is our first class, can’t risk getting kicked off the team.” She winked and made to leave, but Kinkade caught her by her arm.

“The nearest vending machine is two floors down. Wait until after.”

“But I’m starving!”

“You can wait another hour.”

“No way, I can’t! I’ll die halfway through the meeting and it will be your fault!”

It was an exaggeration, Ina knew. No one died that fast. People exaggerated sometimes because it was fun for them.

While Rizavi and Kinkade slowly made their way to the briefing room, James caught up with Ina. His steps easily fell into rhythm with hers, as if they hadn’t spent the last two years more apart than together. They had only had one class together, which hadn't been nearly enough in the grand scheme of things.

“So,” James said, letting the word hover in the air. Ina waited. When she didn’t say anything, James coughed awkwardly and continued. “Here we are, a team again.”

“Yes.”

Once again, silence filled the air between them. Ina thought that their conversation was over, but when they approached their destination James slowed to a stop. Confused, Ina stopped as well and turned to watch him.

James stared resolutely at the floor, shifting from one foot to the other. “I’m just - I’m kinda glad we’re back together. Um. I missed you.”

The words made Ina feel two things: warmth and hurt. She wasn’t sure why, so she tried to chase those feelings away to where they had come from. It worked, more or less.

There was more silence and James seemed to grow more restless. He didn’t even look at her anymore, he just rubbed his arm and shook his head. “You know what? Just forget it.”

No. Oh no, she had missed out on something again.

“Wait,” Ina called, frowning at him. “Why did you stop to tell me this?”

James swallowed but stopped, turning back towards her. “I’m just… I wanted you to know. That I like having classes with you again.”

“Me, too,” Ina answered before she could think about it. Her quick answer surprised her as much as it surprised James.

“You too? Oh. Oh, cool.” He still seemed off, though. A lot less self-assured than usual.

Taking a deep breath, Ina did what she had to do. _‘Talking about your differences might not be easy, but it is the fastest solution to your problems with other people’._

“I’m happy to be in a class with you again,” Ina said. “But I am also kind of sad. I don’t know why I’m sad.”

For a moment, Ina was scared that James would get offended at her words. But he didn’t, he seemed to know that she meant no harm, that she was just as confused as he was.

“Why are you sad?”

“I don’t know,” Ina said truthfully. “When I saw you in the room, I was happy. When we started the simulation, I was happy. When you called my name, my chest started hurting.”

James grew a little pink but crossed his arms and thought about her words. “What? When I called you ‘Leifsdottir’?”

There it was again. That hurt. Ina frowned and crossed her arms as well. “Yes.”

“...it’s military procedure. I can’t change the rules.”

“I know,” Ina said, still frowning. “It just feels… wrong.”

James bit his lip before hesitantly lowering his arms again. “Do you like it better if I call you by your first name? If I call you Ina?”

_Yes_. The hurt disappeared from her chest and Ina blinked in surprise. That was it? “I think I missed that,” she confessed, searching her chest for the hurt from before. It was gone. Nothing left anymore.

When Ina focused on James again, she noticed that he was smiling brightly. “Don’t worry. We’re still friends. I’ll keep calling you Ina when we’re off duty, sounds good?”

More warmth. Wow, she must have really missed having friends around, even if she hadn’t noticed it before now.

“Yes,” she responded happily. Together, they made their way towards their team.

 

* * *

 

Something was wrong with Ina. Something was very wrong. Maybe the stress of defending Earth from the Galra was getting to her belatedly, both James and Commander Iverson had always complimented her ability to perform well under pressure. Not that she believed that theory, if it was true she should have been stressing about everything. Instead, she was stressing about one thing in particular and it was driving her crazy.

Ina checked the time. Nineteen hundred hours. It was after dinner, but James should still be awake. He didn’t usually go to bed until twenty-one hundred hours.

Briskly, Ina opened her door and checked the floor. All clear. Not that she was doing anything forbidden, lights-out wasn’t until an hour still. But she felt awkward visiting her friend for nothing but… emotions.

Two minutes, thirty-three seconds and five corners later Ina had reached James’ door. She didn’t hesitate to knock, waiting for him to open it.

“Ye- Ina? What are you doing here?”

James blinked down at her as if he hadn’t expected her at all. Which was fair, Ina didn’t make a habit out of visiting him off-hours.

“I need your help.”

For a moment, James seemed to be shocked into silence, then he opened the door wider and invited her in. His room was as clean as usual, no knick-knacks lying around, his bed made. There was a paper with the new modifications of their fighters on his table, something Ina knew by heart already. James had always needed more time to memorize things than she did.

“What’s wrong? What happened? How can I help?”

Ina considered the questions carefully as she took her usual place on his chair. “I don’t know. Nothing. I am unsure about what I am feeling and you are good at explaining things. I hoped that you will be able to explain it to me.”

“Oh.” James’ shoulders dropped a little as his body released some of the tension it held before. He sat down on his bed and leaned back. “Alright, tell me what’s confusing you.”

Ina opened her mouth to respond to him, only to find that she couldn’t. How did one describe what had been happening to her lately?!

“I have been… thinking about the same person over and over again,” she said finally, her eyebrows drawing together in an effort to find the right words. “It’s like I can’t stop thinking of them. It’s… weird. Kind of like anxiety. Do you know what I mean?”

Ina looked up just to find James flushing a little and staring off to the side. Then he cleared his throat and closed his eyes, visibly concentrating on what she had told him.

“Is this about Commander Holt and the whole Voltron thing?” he asked finally. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it either since we launched the rocket with the micro-transmitters. If Voltron is still out there, we could really use their help. Without them, we won’t be able to protect this place forever.”

“No, that’s not it,” Ina said.

“You aren’t worried about Voltron?”

“I prefer worrying about things I can fix,” she answered. James laughed and looked at her, a smile on his face.

Warmth. Ina’s chest grew warm. James’ laugh was nice and, even better, it was proof that he was happy. That was all she ever wanted for him.

“Alright, I’ll give you that, it’s pointless to worry about it if we can’t change it,” James grinned. His hair was kind of a mess, the only thing out of place in his otherwise impeccable appearance. He must have worked hard on memorizing the modifications before. “But if that isn’t it, I’m afraid you’ve lost me. What do you mean, ‘like anxiety’?”

Ina sighed and tried to describe it again. She really wasn’t made for this. “I can’t stop thinking about one specific person. And it’s… weird. Sometimes I really want to see them, sometimes I’m almost scared to see them, which makes no sense because they never gave me a reason to be scared of them. But it’s not really fear, it’s more...” More what?

She didn’t  _know_. It was frustrating, to say the least.

Suddenly, James made a weird sound and stared at her with wide eyes.

“What?”

Nothing.

“Do you know what’s going on?”

James made another weird sound before squeezing his eyes shut and burying his head in his palms. “You are totally - no. God, I can’t do this. I’m not - I can’t.”

“Can’t what?”

“Nothing! Absolutely nothing!” squeaked James. “Maybe you should - wait. Is the person Veronica? The person you- you keep thinking about?” There was something weird in his voice but Ina couldn’t tell what it meant. She couldn’t make sense of any of his behavior, from how his tone sounded off to how he kept changing topics to why he was flushed red.

“No, it is not Veronica,” Ina stated. James let out a shuddering breath of air and nodded.

“Okay. Yeah. Cool. You, um - you might want to talk about this with someone else.”

“Why?” If she was being honest, she was concerned. This was the first time James had told her to talk to someone else, he knew that she had troubles with that.

“I’m just - I can’t do it. I _can’t_.”

Fair enough. Most of the time, Ina couldn’t do it either. She understood how he felt, emotions were complicated.

“Okay,” she agreed. “Who else should I ask?”

“Um, I mean - I don’t know? Who are you close to?”

“You?”

“No, I mean, emotionally. Who are you good friends with?”

Ina thought for a moment. “Still you?” she answered, uncertain.

The tension visibly left James’ body and he gave a weak smile. “Yeah. Always.”

In response, the warmth in her chest grew again - only it didn’t stop there. It climbed up and up until it reached her face and wow, that felt weird. Ina frowned and touched her cheeks. Hot.

Weird.

Ina looked back up to ask him about this, at least, but James was flushed himself and scratched his head. “I mean, only always if you want to, of course. We don’t have to stay friends forever if you- wait, that’s way off topic, you should go ask Rizavi about this. She likes talking. She would probably love to help you.”

He wasn’t wrong about that. Ina was about to agree when James got to his feet and made a waving motion with his hands. “In fact, I think you should go right now. You should be back to your room before lights-out.”

That was true. Ina wordlessly made her way towards the door, waving goodbye when he closed it and wondered why she felt hurt at his perfectly reasonable reaction.

 

* * *

 

Oh. It was a crush. Huh.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Ina.”

Ina turned towards the noise, not surprised to see James approaching. After all these years, she could easily recognize him by the sound of his voice alone.

“I’m here, too,” Ryan said, one eyebrow raised. James coughed and crossed his arms, his cheeks growing a little pink.

“Yeah, sorry. Hi. Didn’t see you there.”

Ryan didn’t look like he was going to say something, so Ina said it instead. “He’s right beside me. How could you not have seen him?”

“No, I just- I’m- I guess I saw him, I just didn’t register that he was standing there. I’m still a little out of it after the battle and the speech and my family…”

Ah, right. The reunion with his family must have been very emotional for James. Ina wouldn’t know; her parents had been in Iceland to visit her grandparents when the Galra had attacked. International communication was still getting reestablished, both her and Ryan would have to wait a little longer to contact their families. It was upsetting, but she could deal with it. Ryan hadn’t said anything, so Ina assumed the same was true for him.

James coughed again and Ina cocked her head. Was he getting sick?

“Y-yeah. Um, I wanted to talk to you.” James’ voice randomly changed pitch a few times and Ina grew more concerned. It really sounded like he was getting sick.

“You are talking to me.”

“Yes, but like. In private.” He uncrossed his arms and rubbed his neck, staring resolutely at the ground.

For a few seconds, nothing happened, until Ryan sighed and patted James’ shoulder. “Good luck, man.”

James looked up, his eyes a little wide. Ryan shrugged as if he was answering some unspoken inquiry, causing James to flush a little further. Ina tried to understand what was happening but failed. Not that it was super important, whatever they were communicating didn’t concern Ina. Otherwise, they would have used their words. The team had learned to work well together, which meant they used words when communicating with Ina, regularly reminded James not to work 24/7, always had a small snack for Nadia ready, and accepted that Ryan sometimes wasn’t in the mood to talk or to hang out. She just liked to know what was going on, especially when James was acting weird.

After Ryan had left, James turned back to Ina. He briefly looked at the memorial, a frown pulling at his brows, before closing his eyes and lowering his chin. Ina knew that gesture; it was respect. James had done it every time he walked by the memorial from the moment it got established.

“Alright, maybe we should take this somewhere else,” he said finally, lifting his head again. Ina didn’t protest, she just followed him away from the memorial. It took her a while to realize that they were heading towards the main gate, useless now that the particle barrier was gone.

It looked weird, Ina thought. The particle barrier had been everything that had saved them from occupation for two years straight. She wasn’t used to being able to see into the desert with no shield tinting her view orange.

“So, um,” James started, then stopped again. Ina waited patiently. “I’m just… the battle was rough.”

“It was,” she agreed.

“Yeah. And I’m not just talking about the whole thing with Voltron. Ever since the Galra came here I’ve been constantly afraid. Afraid that I would make a mistake. Afraid that the shield would break. Afraid that I… that I could lose you.”

Logically, Ina knew that James was talking about her as a stand-in for the entire team. Still, she couldn’t help the way her heart sped up at his words. Heat was crawling up her cheeks despite her best efforts to suppress it.

Wow. Crushes were annoying. Could she just go back to not overthinking everything James said?

“U-um! I mean! Of course I was also afraid to lose Ryan and Nadia and- and even Commander Iverson- I mean, just, you specifically, you are…”

He stopped. Ina didn’t dare to look at him, her cheeks were still warm. “...a good friend?” she suggested.

“Yeah! Yes, that’s - you are a good friend. A very good friend. I would be very sad if I lost you.” James breathed in sharply and released the air all at once. “That sounded awkward, didn’t it?”

“I don’t know,” Ina answered honestly. “I’m not the best person to ask that.”

“Right. Yeah. No awkwardness here.”

“You are awkward.”

“I’m- you said you couldn’t tell!”

Ina’s lips twitched into a smile and she looked at James. He was standing with his hands in his pockets, shoulders drawn up, pouting at her. The wind was pulling at his hair, mussing it up and blowing it in his eyes. She wanted to tuck it back behind his ears. That was a weird thing to do though, right?

“I can tell that you are not behaving as usual. And that you are stammering a lot.”

James groaned and rubbed his face. “I didn’t want to make this weird. I’m just- I’m trying to tell you that I- you are-”

He didn’t finish his sentences. Ina was lost.

“I am?”

“You are. Very important to me.” James almost spat the words out before raising his eyes to look at her. His stare was intense, it almost made her uncomfortable. Was he expecting her to say something?

“You are important to me, too,” Ina said. James bit his lip and shook his head.

“No that’s not what I meant. I mean… all this fighting. All this being scared. All of that is in the past now. I don’t have to worry about dying today or tomorrow and I don’t have to worry about you getting hurt. So I just… wanted to tell you how _important_ you are to me.”

Oh no. James was still staring intently at her, there was definitely something she was missing. “Very?” she guessed.

“Very,” he confirmed.

“Okay.”

Finally, James broke the eye contact. He sighed and let his shoulders drop, shaking his head to himself. “I can’t do it. I can’t.”

“Can’t do what?”

But he just shook his head, turning towards the Garrison again. “Nevermind. It’s not that important. Let’s just go back.”

“Oh.” Ina started following him half a step behind, trying to figure out why she was sad. Was it because their alone time was over? Part of her was but there was more to it. What was different about this situation from the other times where James left to rejoin the group?

Ah. The _'_ _nevermind'_. James was growing tired of explaining himself to her.

“I am hurt,” Ina stated. James halted immediately and turned around, eyes wide with worry.

“What?!”

“Emotionally,” she added when she saw how his eyes raked over her body. That didn’t seem to ease his concern, he was still tense, even if his eyes snapped back up to her face.

“What? Why?”

Ina breathed in. “Because you know I am bad with understanding implications, so you always put your thoughts in words. But today you did not, and just now you dismissed my question about clarification.”

James didn’t seem to be happy about what she had to say. He frowned, crossing his arms and looking aside. “Look, I’m just uncomfortable talking about it.”

“I am uncomfortable right now, too,” Ina said. James only frowned harder.

“That’s not comparable. The two are two totally different things.”

“Why?”

“Because you are uncomfortable fighting and I am uncomfortable talking about my-!” James let out a frustrated noise that had Ina blink in surprise. He noticed and visibly loosened his stance, his frown disappearing. “I really tried, but I just can’t talk about it. I’m sorry.”

Again with the hurt. Ina lowered her gaze and watched the wind blow dust over her shoes.

“...would this situation have gone differently if I wasn’t autistic?”

Silence. She had guessed correctly, then.

For some reason, that hurt even more than James refusing to talk about the hidden meaning behind their trip. No matter how much she worked on it, she would never be able to understand people the way others did. 

“Yes, probably,” James admitted quietly. “It’s not your fault though! This is on me. I _know_ I can’t expect from you to read between the lines. It’s my fault, I should have prepared myself more.” Ina looked up to see him shake his head again. “I even thought I was prepared. But when I saw you I just… what if I ruined everything?”

What?

“Ruin what?” Ina asked, very confused. James was looking at her, his brows furrowed and drawn up.

“Ruin us. Our friendship.”

“I don’t understand. How can emotions ruin a friendship?”

Something about her question must have been funny because after a few seconds of processing it James laughed hard. “So easily. You become friends because of emotions, so you break friendships because of emotions, too.”

Oh. That was right. Ina thought it over, but no matter what she did with it, she arrived at the same conclusion: “You don’t like me anymore?”

James’ smile disappeared immediately. “No! I still like you! I just told you, you are very important to me. I just…” He breathed in deeply. “I like you _too much_.”

There was a limit on how much you could like your friends? That didn’t sound good. She liked James a whole lot, and her romantically liking him on top of platonically liking him probably crossed that limit.

“In that case,” Ina said, her own brows furrowing, “I don’t think we can be friends anymore. I like you too much as well.”

“No, you don’t understand. I mean, I like you _way too much_.”

“I understand. I like you way too much, too.”

“No!” James exclaimed, throwing his arms out. “It’s- I like you! A lot!”

“I like you, too,” Ina repeated. “You a good friend. You can hug me without me feeling uncomfortable. You are the person I am most comfortable discussing my emotions with and I like you romantically. That is too much, right?”

James was frozen on the spot, staring at her with wide eyes. “You- you _what?!”_

“I like you, too. You are a good friend, you can hug me without me-”

“No, no, no, not that part, the part about you liking me… romantically. Is,” James swallowed. “Is that true?”

“Yes,” Ina confirmed. Her heart was beating stupidly fast again, which she didn’t understand. But she had given up on understanding its reactions when her crush was concerned.

“I like you, too! Romantically!” James said then, effectively capturing Ina’s attention.

“Do we have to stop being friends now?”

For the second time, her question made James laugh. He laughed long and hard, hard enough that there were tears in his eyes, then he straightened himself out to grin at her. “No. We will stay friends for as long as you want to. And if you want more, we can do that, too.”

“More?”

“Like go on dates and… stuff.” James explained awkwardly. Ina was unfazed.

“A date is just a romantic meeting. If we both have romantic feelings for one another, we are already on a date.”

James’ lips twitched again, but he didn’t start laughing again. “If you want to see it as one, I’m all in.”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

James was still grinning stupidly when they made their way back to the Garrison. He was walking a lot closer than before though, their shoulders were almost touching. It made Ina wonder, didn’t romantic partners usually hold hands? They did that at least occasionally. And hug and kiss, too.

Her heartbeat sped up and anticipation built in her stomach. Yes, she definitely wanted to try that with him. She knew that if she didn’t like it, all she would have to do was tell James about it and he would stop. The amount of trust she had in him was not comparable to her feelings towards her other friends.

And James returned that trust. He trusted her to talk to him, to listen to his complaints, to have his back. He wanted to spend more time with her and randomly thought about her. He liked her both platonically and romantically.

If anyone had asked Ina to describe what she felt in that moment, she would have said she couldn’t tell them. There were no words to describe the deep-seated happiness in her chest when James carefully curled his fingers around hers. In front of them, their shadows stretched out, joined at the hands just like they were. Together despite their differences both in stature and mind.

“Is this okay?” James asked.

“Yes,” Ina answered as if she had never been surer of something in her life.

 

**Author's Note:**

> lol I know technically it was more like "5 times Ina didn't get emotions, 1 time she did and a therapy session" but I really wanted to include that introductory scene?? It's heavily inspired by personal experiences, so it was fun to write :D
> 
> My [tumblr](http://cutekeiths.tumblr.com/)


End file.
